My Dearest Soda:
DC darling it is only after many sleepless nights and much consternation, I write to you this letter. I feel there is no way for us to go on. I can’t continue on the way we have been for years. I yearn for you when I wake. I love your sweet whisper and cold kiss when you open up to me in the morning. You make me feel I am the only one for you. But the truth is I have seen you around town with everyone; I know all my friends have known you DC. You take from me my hydration. You cripple me, weaken my bones, stealing from me needed minerals. I feel sad for how much you have changed my palate. You make it hard for me to take care of myself, instead leading me back to you with insatiable cravings. It's true. My doctor told me that my relationship with you actually makes me more likely to gain weight. It seems the fake sugar you give me messes with my metabolism and my head. Your bubbly personality makes my stomach churn and burns near my heart. I now know the sleepless nights are your fault too, thanks in part to all the caffeine you fill me with. My dentist tells me you stain and weaken my smile with your caustic, acidic, syrupy dribble. I can’t let you take all the blame. I have let this unrequited relationship go on for far too long. I became obsessed with you DC. I pledged myself completely to you. To be fair you never promised me anything except perhaps keeping me thin. I should have seen through your shallow, superficial veil. You never said your were capable of everlasting love, health, or mutual respect. But that is what I need. I cant wait for you to return from the war on my body.
In fairness to you, DC (not that you have been fair or kind to me) I want you to know I have found someone else. Someone that will give back to me, help me grow. Heal. This lover will not cost me anything: not my money, not my health, not my dignity. Part of me wants to expose you for who you are, call cheaters, publish it on the web, but alas I am still Southern. And as I have for myself, I will let all your other lovers decide their own fate. I suppose it only polite to introduce to you my new lover, Chris P. Coldcleanwater. He has vowed to be faithful and support me in my efforts to take care of myself. Chris unlike you, can give me nourishment for both my body and soul.
Your Hydrated, Healthy & Happy Ex
This letter is produced with permission provided the author remain anonymous. The author has moved on to a successful, well hydrated relationship! Cheers!
From Our Pantry to Yours,
Lea & Emily